Radio Yerevan Jokes

Sometimes I think I have a Russian soul.  I adore their aesthetics.  Their history fascinates me, as does their film and literature.  The ushanka is my favorite hat in all the world.  But most of all, I love their humor.  It’s very “laugh so you don’t cry,” I feel, and has a black touch that just does it for me.

There’s one Russian joke that I especially enjoy.  A man is talking to his friend and says, “My wife just left me with my best friend, Yuri.”

His friend says, “I didn’t know Yuri was your best friend.”

“He is now!” replies the husband.

One of my favorite type of Russian jokes dates back to the Soviet Union, and is called Armenian Radio or Radio Yerevan jokes, because the structure comes from Radio Yerevan, which would answer listeners’ questions on the air.  They had a question and answer format, and I just absolutely love them, so I’m going to share a bunch I found online with you.  Apparently the most common type of answer began with, “In principle yes, but…”

If I ever write a story where I can work this type of joke into it, I am definitely going to.  It might work for a little college radio station, so that’s always one possibility.  I just like the anarchic, antinomian feel to the comedy.

USSR FlagRadio Yerevan was asked: “What will be the results of the next elections?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Nobody can tell.Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “What is chaos?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “We do not comment on national economics.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Could an atomic bomb destroy our beloved town, Yerevan, with its splendid buildings and beautiful gardens ?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. But Moscow is by far a more beautiful city.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Does one get 10 years of prison for saying that Brezhnev is an idiot?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle yes, because that’s a state secret.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Would it be possible to bring Socialism to the Sahara?”
“Yes,” replied Radio Yerevan, “But after the first five year plan, we’ll have to import sand.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia. Do you have a sea?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky committed suicide?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Yes, it is true, and even the record of his very last words is preserved: ´Don’t shoot, comrades.´”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. Five years ago one of our listeners was not convinced of this, so he was sent to investigate. He seems to have liked it so much that he hasn’t returned yet.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it’s going to be tomorrow!”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that in the Soviet Union no one lacks a stereo system?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes, you hear the same from all sides.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that half of the members of the Central Committee are idiots?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Rubbish. Half of the central committee are not idiots.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “What is the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “An optimist learns English – a pessimist Chinese.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “What would happen if one of our leaders had a heart transplant and received a Western heart?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, nothing. The heart plays no role with our leaders.”

“Dear Radio Yerevan, I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I don’t love the Party any more. I feel nothing at all for Comrade Brezhnev or any of the other leaders of the Party. What should I do?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Please send us your name and address.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is there censorship of the press and radio in the Soviet Union?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle no, but it is unfortunately not possible to go into this question in any detail at the present time.”

Question to Radio Yerevan: “Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and fourth he didn’t win it, but rather it was stolen from him.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “What if socialism were built in Greenland?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “First snow would become available only through ration cards, and later snow would be distributed only to the KGB officers and their families.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “What is the socialist friendship of nations?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “It’s when Armenians, Russians, Ukrainians, and all other peoples of the USSR unite in a brotherly manner and all together set out to beat up the Azeris.”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Can Communism also be in the USA?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Yes. But who would give us our wheat then?”

Radio Yerevan was asked: “Which four factors inhibit the agricultural development?”
Radio Yerevan answered: “Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.”

The Armenian Radio was asked: “Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?”
The Armenian Radio answers: “Yes, if you like crowded trains.”

The Armenian Radio was asked: “Is it good to sleep with an open window?”
The Armenian Radio answers: “Yes, but with a woman it is better.”

The Armenian Radio was asked: “Is it true that in Moscow, Mercedes cars are being given to citizens?”
The Armenian Radio answers: “Yes, but it is not Moscow but Leningrad, not Mercedes but Ladas, and not given to but stolen from.”

The Armenian Radio was asked: “Is it true that comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin’s car was stolen in Moscow during the celebrations?”
The Armenian Radio answers: “In principle yes, but it was not in Moscow, rather in Kiev, and it was not his car, but his bike and it was not comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, but comrade highschool teacher Gagarin and his first name was not Yuri, but Leonid…”

Q: Is it true that in Romania…
A: (barging in) Yes, it is.

Q: Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?
A: Because in Pravda there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.

Q: Why do some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?
A: Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don’t help to get rid of the other.

Q: Why have Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents been exiled from the country?
A: Don’t you know that the best products are always selected for export?

Q: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon. Then, what is a horizon?
A: A horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.

Q: Why do we have to carry the ID booklet to the grocery to be given the baloney quota?
A: So you can keep the quota of salami in it until you get home.

Q: Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the moon?
A: What if they refuse to return?

Q: Got married today. Can you give me some advice ?
A: Too late.

Q: Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?
A: It’s possible, but why? Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?

YerevanQ: A recent European poll says that 20% of men would cheat on their wives in Germany. Is this true?
A: Yes, the remaining 80% live in the other European countries.

Q: Whenever we go on vacation, my husband keeps chasing skirts. What can I do?
A: Take your next vacation in Scotland.

Q: What is communism?
A: It’s when everything will be available in stores. In other words, like it was under the Tsar Nicholas the Second.

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”
We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built, will there still be thefts and pilfering?”
We’re answering: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?”
We’re answering: “Yes, it’s true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”
We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were opened?”
We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will the police still exist when communism is built?”
We’re answering: “Of course, not. By that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if a man you don’t know takes a seat at your table in a pub and starts to sigh?”
We’re answering: “Immediately demand to stop the anti-Soviet propaganda.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What shall we do if suddenly we feel a desire to work?”
We’re answering: “Just rest for a while on a sofa. It will pass.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word ‘communism’?”
We’re answering: “By means of fists.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did the man who shot at a government limousine on the Red Square miss the target?”
We’re answering: “Because citizens who happened to be next to him tried to wrest the gun from him and shouted, ‘Let me shoot!’”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”
We’re answering: “Get off the job.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?”
We’re answering: “At Lenin’s time, Russia was still only ankle-high in shit.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?”
We’re answering: “Of course, it’s an eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is an exchange of opinions?”
We’re answering: “When you walk into your boss’s office with your opinion and walk out with his.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”
We’re answering: “No, because every Marshal also has a son.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Which tea is better, Chinese or Soviet-grown?”
We’re answering: “Don’t get involved in the confrontation between the superpowers. Drink coffee.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will there be the third world war?”
We’re answering: “No, but the struggle for peace will reach such degree that there will be no stone left intact on the earth.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why policemen always walk the streets in teams of three?”
We’re answering: “The partners in the police team are always chosen in such a way that one of them knows how to read, the other how to write, and the third one, naturally, has to keep watch over those two intellectuals.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”
We’re answering: “Reorganization.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in one stand-alone country?”
We’re answering: “It’s possible, but better to live in another country.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?”
We’re answering: “We don’t answer questions related to agriculture.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”
We’re answering: “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.
In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited.
In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted.
In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited.
In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted.

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is there life on other planets?”
We’re answering: “On other planets there is also no life.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did butter disappear from the stores’ shelves?”
We’re answering: “It all has melted under the sun of the Soviet Constitution.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that Akopian had won last Sunday hundred thousand rubles in the state lottery?”
We’re answering: “Yes, it is true. Only it was not last Sunday but Monday. And it was not Akopian but Vagramian. And not in the state lottery but in checkers. And not hundred thousand but one hundred rubles. And not won but lost.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to build communism in America?”We’re answering: “It’s possible, but who will we buy grain from?”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Will people have money when communism is built?”
We’re answering: “Some will, some will not.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?
We’re answering: “Temporary shortages.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”
We’re answering: “In a capitalist society man exploits man, and in a socialist one, the other way around.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?”
We’re answering: “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold.   Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it possible to make ends meet on salary alone?”
We’re answering: “We don’t know, we never tried.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?”
We’re answering: “We had to make some changes in our staff.   The previous broadcaster, while reading an article that contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’ made a pause too long after the word ‘nothing.’”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is a Soviet musical duet?”
We’re answering: “It’s a musical quartet after a trip abroad.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race.   Nixon came the first.   How should our media report on that?”
We’re answering: “The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place.’   Mister Nixon came in one before last.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that there are two kinds of people serving as deputies of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR, as members of the Supreme Court, and as Soviet diplomats?”
We’re answering: “Yes, it is a true.   One kind is those not capable of anything at all, and the other, those capable of anything whatsoever.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is a one word joke?”
We’re answering: “Communism.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the longest joke?”
We’re answering: “The speech made by Khrushchev at the Party congress.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What methods do our enemies use in their subversive work against the socialist state?”
We’re answering: “Such questions we discuss in our program ‘Useful Advice.’”

Q: Why is there no flour in the market?
A: Because they began adding it to the bread.

Q: Is it true that in the Soviet Union people do not need stereophonic equipment?
A: In principle, yes. One hears exactly the same thing from all sides.

Q: Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?
A: In principle, yes. Five years ago one of our listeners was not convinced of this, so he was sent to investigate. He seems to have liked it so much that he hasn’t returned yet.

Q: Under communism will we still have money?
A: No, none of that either.

Q: What is chaos?
A: We do not comment on national economics.

Q: What is “Russian business”?
A: To steal a crate of vodka, to sell it, and then drink the money away.

Q: Why do women work so much on their appearance, but so little on their intellect?
A: Because there are many fewer blind men than stupid ones.

And my absolute favorite…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Are there questions you can’t answer?”
We’re answering: “No. We approach our job in accordance with the Marx’ dialectics. To any question we can give any answer.”

I feel like that could become my motto.  “To any question I can give any answer.”  Sounds good, huh?

Jokes collected from Wikipedia, Bratislava Guide, Armeniapedia, Haystan, and JohnDClare.net.

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2 Responses to Radio Yerevan Jokes

  1. charles says:

    I think you just solved the problem of evil. God allows suffering in order to motivate humor.

    Liked by 1 person

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